Guest post day: Rachel Vidoni

Another guest post day here! I’m happy to present Rachel Vidoni from East Coast Musings. Rachel is a really funny woman in Massachusetts. She likes wine and writes snarky letters to Betty Crocker sometimes. I think you’ll enjoy her. If you are so inclined, you can also read my post for the day over on her blog.

(Warning: Blog Rated “M” for Mature due to filthy, swearing nature.)

A role model.

Dear Daughter: Please be like P!nk and not Ke$ha. If I have to choose, I mean.

Listening to the radio in the car with the kids just isn’t as safe as it used to be. These days I have to censor songs that play on the radio or change stations entirely to avoid listening to something inappropriate or having to hand out condoms to my children to protect them from the lyrics. “Put these on, kids, right over your ears where they belong.”

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a musical prude, and believe it or not there’s an Eminem playlist on my iPod full of swears and questionable content. Let’s face it, if I worried about my kids listening to swears they’d have to move out of the house and live with my sisters (either of them) because nary a swear exits their pink-bow lips. In fact, swearing is one of the things I love most about Tara, because dammit, sometimes us mothers swear too much and in front of the wrong ears. But that’s another blog.

Popular musicians these days don’t just fill their songs with curse words, but sing about subjects I’d rather not be explaining to my children at the ripe ‘ol age of 12 and 10. Like what S & M means. Or rude boys getting “it” up. In fact, any time Rihanna’s name hits the radio text feed on my minivan, the radio goes off. I censor her quick because I don’t want my kids knowing that whips and chains excite her or that she likes the way it hurts when her boyfriend sets her on fire. Those are topics my children should be at least 13 before they understand; 10 and 12 is simply too young. I realize my daughter already knows all the words to the songs because she hears them at her friends’ houses and on the school bus, (one more benefit of public school transportation) but I don’t want to be around while she’s singing them out loud. Even swearing, mediocre moms like me feel negligent being in the presence of both filthy songs and children. Both my kids play along when I turn off the radio, pretending they’ve no idea what song that was or why it was inappropriate, but they’ve yet to figure out to quit mouthing the words as they face the window. I can see your reflection kids, just so you know.

Another artist I’ve axed is Ke$ha. I’m not sure what it is about having symbols in names these days; P!nk’s all over that too. I’m thinking perhaps if I add some symbols to my name I’d get more writing jobs; maybe people would stop and take notice of a by line that says: By R@che! V!d*n!. Maybe there’s profit to be made with that kind of name, and it would also be a tip off about how much I swear (which might get me into all those edgier publications). Kind of like Ke$ha is probably all about money and P!nk spends a lot of time being pissed off. I don’t know them personally of course, it’s just a gue$$. But I digress.

I realize my daughter listens to these songs when I’m not around. She probably has grand illusions formed in her brain about these artists, but I really, really hope that if she picks one to emulate it’s P!nk and not Ke$ha. Please, dear middle daughter, if I have to choose, I want you to be like P!nk. Here’s how I see it:

P!nk doesn’t like stupid girls. Or mean girls for that matter.

You’ll know stupid girls when you see them, daughter, because they travel in packs of two or three. You won’t find P!nk in this crowd, flippin’ her blond hair back or pushing up her bra like that just so guys will call her back. P!nk’s glad she’s never going to fit in with this stupid-girl crowd, and you should be too daughter. She wants to see outcasts and girls with ambition. As your mother, I second that motion. And if I had to choose between you being a girl who acts stupid to get attention from boys and you, say, dying your hair pink and becoming a social pariah, I’d pick social pariah any day of the week and twice on Sunday. Pretending do be stupid makes you look very ugly indeed.

Ke$ha on the other hand is happy to be a stupid girl. She dances like she’s dumb-dumb-dumb-dumb-dumb-dumb, and she gets so sick of being serious it makes her brain delirious. Clearly she’s delirious when she sells her clothes, sleeps in cars, dressin’ it down, and hittin’ on dudes. Hard. This also makes her look stupid. If you haven’t ever seen those email pictures of people who have peed their pants when they are drunk or passed out on picnic tables and gutters in the roadway, it’s not pretty, daughter. It’s humiliating. And dangerous. And unlike Ke$ha, you won’t have a pocketful of money for bodyguards to make sure you don’t get taken advantage of—or worse. Ke$sha thinks her and her friends are superstars and they’ll be forever youn-youn-youn-youn-youn-young. Let me tell you a little bit about life, daughter. Ke$ha will grow old and wrinkly too and wake up one day and be 40, but she’ll look like she’s 80 for all the drugs and alcohol she’s ingested. Here’s a Mom-ism for you: “It’s not the miles, it’s the road.” You might not understand what this means now, but trust me, when you’re looking at your wrinkles in a few short years, it will all be crystal clear.

P!nk understands Teen Angst in a good way.

She sometimes feels like she can’t do anything right. Her socks are never clean and her parents hate her…what teen hasn’t gone through that? Everyday she fights a war against the mirror and she doesn’t like the person staring back at her. Let me tell you something daughter, you’ll go through this stage too. You’ll think we hate you and you’ll want to do things that are hazardous to yourself because the world will make you question who you are. It’s called “Teen Angst” and we’ve all been through it. Even P!nk has made a wrong turn once or twice. She’s been mistreated, misplaced, and misunderstood but it didn’t slow her down. Look where she’s at now, daughter! She’s a filthy rich pop star with a positive message and rocks a fabulous mohawk. And when you are feeling like you’re nothing, pretty, pretty please remember you are f#cking perfect to P!nk. (And of course to me.)

Ke$sha on the other hand channels her Teen Angst into negative behaviors, brushing her teeth in the morning with a bottle of Jack and carrying water bottles filled with whiskey. She also tends to hang out downtown where the freaks all come around, and there’s a hole in the wall where it’s a dirty free for all. Daughter, you want to stay away from anything with the words freaks, dirty, and free-for-all. Trust me, plenty of people you know may go down this road when they hit the teen years or the college years, but it doesn’t lead to any place worth being. Even if it is a party at rich dude’s house. You want to avoid that house. I have it on good authority that there’s pee in the champagne and puke in the closet. Courtesy of Ke$ha. She’s so classy.

P!nk is fiercely loyal.

When she loves someone, P!nk really loves them. When her boyfriend tells her not to come around here no more, she doesn’t believe him. Even when he says he doesn’t need her anymore, she still doesn’t believe him. In fact, if you were to tell P!nk that three years from now the dude she loved would be long gone, she’d stand up and punch you out. If you say forever and ever, P!nk will believe you. P!nk will keep you locked in her head until you meet her again, that’s how loyal the girl is. She knows the guys will come around and see things from her point of view. Some may call her propensity to hang on to her boyfriends after they dump her, co-dependent or even stalker-ish. Sure. If you’re jaded, I could see this argument, but if you’re a teen in love for the first time, it’s understandable to have trouble letting go. I know rock stars have a reputation for being flighty and sleeping with whomever happens to fall into bed with them. But not P!nk. Who knew?

In contrast, Ke$ha doesn’t care if she knows you or not. Boys are constantly trying to touch her junk and most of the guys she dates act like pimps when she’s out of town. Her friends are also backstabbers and shit talkers, talking and twisting and telling things about Ke$ha that aren’t true. You remember that Mom-ism I throw around; “You’re known (and judged) by the company you keep?” Well, that’s no fable daughter. Chances are good, if Ke$ha’s friends are pimps, bitches, and shit talkers, she is too. Just callin’ it like I see it. You do not want to be found hanging around this group. P!nk may be co-dependent, but at least she’s not psychopathic.

P!nk parties more responsibly than Ke$ha.

Sure, you’ll need to get the party started on a Saturday night, because everybody’s waiting for P!nk to arrive. Which means she must be a real hoot if people want to party with her. Now, it’s clearly no secret that when P!nk parties, she may get drunk. Daughter, when you are 21 and in COLLEGE, I’m sure you’ll go to parties or the bar and get drunk too. But make sure if you do, don’t get fancy, just get dancy. Guys get the wrong idea from girls who are in a bar (or at a party) looking too fancy. (Listen to songs by Rhianna for reasons why.) Make sure you are wrong in all the right ways: namely, that you stand up for yourself (underdog), speak out for what you believe in (be loud), and don’t follow the in-crowd who can lead you astray (this may label you a nitty-gritty-dirty-little-freak. That’s what the in-crowd may call you, but don’t listen to them). The thing I love best about P!nk, is that she doesn’t take crap from guys in bars who want to hit on her. This is a huge lesson, daughter. She’s not at the bar for their entertainment; you don’t really wanna mess with her at night. She tells those guys, “Stop and take a second, I was fine before you walked into my life.” This is a great motto for you daughter. The best bar advice I can give you is to tell those guys, “Don’t touch, back up, I’m not the one, buh-bye. Listen up, it’s just not happenin’. You can say what you want to your boyfriends. Just let me have my fun tonight. A’ight?” That line works for P!nk and it can work for you too daughter. And if it doesn’t, well, then it would be a good and prudent time to use that Karate you’ve been working on for years, and kick the guys ass by yourself. Physically.

Ke$ha on the other hand wants to dance with no pants on, asking guys to meet her in the back with a bottle of jack by the jukebox. This is a bad move daughter. While Ke$ha wants boys to put a little love in her glove box, I can tell you that you do not want love anywhere near your glovebox. When guys are drunk, Ke$ha’s correct about one thing: guys don’t want to know what your middle name is. This is just one small reason you want to avoid acting like Ke$ha in a bar. Because I’m pretty sure that at some point in her career Ke$ha’s going to be singing about STD’s, although it’s difficult to find a word that rhymes with “venereal.”

That’s really all the comparisons I can make for now daughter, because most of the other lyrics in Ke$ha’s songs are simply too filthy to talk about further. All I’m saying, is that if you’re going to pick a pop-star mentor, I’d rather it be P!nk. After all, she’s got a husband, a baby on the way, and quite a few albums under her belt, plus she can hang from silks like people in Cirque de Soleil. You can’t do that if you’re smashed out of your mind or crunk’ed in a bathtub like Ke$ha. I’m not sure where Ke$ha’s mother is, but I can tell you where I’ll be daughter: wherever you need me.

Photo belongs to www.pinkspage.com