The Runaway Mouth
It’s another guest blogger day! Today’s post is by my friend Tracy at I Hate My Messageboard. If you don’t already read her blog, you should. I recommend A WHOLE chicken in a CAN and 15 Options Facebook Needs To Offer, but really, everything is good.
You can also read my guest post on I Hate My Messageboard, which ran yesterday: Summer Lovin’ I’m not necessarily saying it’s a good idea, just that you can do it.
It was totally not my fault that I walked into the men’s room at Costco yesterday. Everyone knows that the lady’s room should be to the right and what’s up with those restrooms with no door, only a corridor? You can’t see the sign on the door if there is no door.
So, I walk in, see a guy at the urinal, realize my mistake, say “Sorry!” and walk right out. The end.
Not exactly blogworthy, is it? But, afterward, as I sat in the ladies room for a good 45 minutes waiting for the coast to clear, I realized that it was an unmistakable sign of how very far I’ve come in my journey towards personal growth and abundant awesomeness.
Let me tell you how the same event would have gone a year or so ago.
“Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God, I AM SO SORRY! I don’t know HOW this HAPPENED!!! Usually I am so good at reading signs and following directions but I’ve been in Costco for the last hour and I think the lack of windows and natural light messes with my brain somehow. You know, I think they do it on purpose so that you get discombobulated and walk around in circles and just keep tossing things into your cart, and it works, you know?
Plus, I’m totally nearsighted so even if I did see the sign, maybe they used one of those ambiguous pictures and I couldn’t really tell if it was a boy or a girl, but that’s good, too in a way because that means I totally didn’t see your willy. NOT THAT I’M SAYING IT’S NOT CLEARLY VISIBLE!!! It’s just you’re facing the urinal, I’m facing the stalls and anyway, even if I did see your little man it’s no big deal because I’ve got five sons! I’ve seen more penises than most urologists!
Wait, wait, that came out wrong, I’m just saying that you know, I’ve changed a lot of diapers so it’s not really a big deal to me anymore. But all my kids except for one have the same dad, so I’m the nice kind of lady that walks into the men’s room, not like one of those truck stop ladies that I’ve heard about.
Anyway, I am so sorry and embarrassed and I hope that this hasn’t been too traumatizing for you. I’m just going to go now, okay? And we’ll just pretend this never happened. Seriously, it probably happens every day, right? You know though, it’s really disconcerting talking to you like this without making eye contact. It makes me think you’re mad at me. Are you mad at me? I mean, because it’s not like I did this on purpose….”
Ha, I can almost hear you!
I would like to know why if a woman accidentally goes into the mens room it’s an accident, but if men accidentally go into the ladies room, they’re perverts.
SO funny, Tracy! This should absolutely be a performed comedy skit. And I’d love to hear more about your “journey towards personal growth and abundant awesomenes”… Hope to find some of it on your blog.
We’re all insensitive perverts by default,Sean. I’m surprised you haven’t learned that yet.
Suck it up and go shop for a raincoat.
Hey Sean, that’s because my voice is so mellifluous that it lingers on your mind, right? Not because I have a tendency get overexcited and go off on wild tangents.
Thanks Lisa! I’m afraid the personal growth towards abundant awesomeness is hidden by my fondness for food oddities and videos from the 1980s.
Hi Dad! You should see the harassment file I’ve got on Sean & our other assorted male co-workers for my eventual lawsuit. The THINGS they have subjected me to! Do they not know I AM A LADY?!?
Hilarious, Tracy! I can relate so well to the whole overexplaining thing. Loved it!
Did you really just use mellifluous in a sentence?!?
WOW.
On my way to shop for a raincoat!
LOVED THIS! I seriously needed a laugh today and this was it! It’s awesome to find another writer that makes me laugh, but a little worrisome too because now I’m going to have TWO blogs to read on a regular basis which will take time away from my Facebooking and brand building, but DAMN that was funny!
Sean – That’s because you REPEATEDLY walked into the SAME ladies room. You need to vary it up a bit if you want to call it an “accident.”
Tracy – Funny post. Why is it that every time you guest post somewhere, you brag about the number of penises you’ve seen? I’m starting to think your meat in a can fetish extends beyond the can.
“I’m starting to think your meat in a can fetish extends beyond the can.”
LOL!!
No bathroom ‘can’ pun intended, but it sure does fit.
Having a camera in hand doesn’t help your case either Sean =/
@danny – LOL.
Carol and Rachel – thank you so much!
Danny, David and Sean – it’s like you guys are the three brothers I never knew I was so glad I didn’t have.
This is hysterical. It is comedy the self talk that goes on in our heads. Thanks for letting us in. It feels good to know I am never alone.
Tracy,it was me in the earlier commemt. Not your dad. Sorry. I’m in enough trouble as it is.
Hi Cindy! On the one hand you’re never alone – on the other, you’re with me! Thanks for stopping by, I’m so glad that I always have your support.
Tara’s Dad – oh man, here I was thinking my father had finally shown some interest in me. Oh well, maybe next time. #catsinthecraddle
Sooooo funny. What a difference a year makes.
Dang, dude. Don’t even let the guy with the willy get a word in edgewise. I’ll bet you also would have kept jabbering and followed him to the sink as he washed his hands and handed him a paper towel, too.
I laughed sooo hard…probably because I could so relate to the ‘runaway mouth’ syndrome you so wonderfully demonstrated here!!
Great post!!!