Reflections from a convenience store
A Father’s Day guest post
A few readers have expressed an interest in having my dad write a post. Fine. Whatever. I mean, I’m the one who set up the blog, who sweats out literally dozens of minutes each week planning, writing, and editing. Then he comes along with a few off-the-cuff comments and bam. I’m chopped liver. One friend went so far as to tell me in private that it would be super cool for him to write about something embarrassing from my childhood. The joke is on you, Ming, because guess what? He already did.
What follows is a comment left on a recent post by an “Andy Farmer.” It was kind of him to use a pseudonym, and to give me one as well, but this was written by my father. It was so funny that I decided it needed to have its own space on the blog so that more people could read it. Enjoy, and good luck deciding which of the children in this story is me.
In the late summer of ‘76, my wife and I and our two little girls, Marie, 4, and Aly, 2, were picking up some items at a local convenience store. It was close to 10 o’clock in the evening and had been a long day, so we were all tired. Now, Marie was very outspoken, even at the tender age of 4 and had a real zest for life. Aly was more reserved. (They are much the same today.)
In those days there was a tv show that had the catch phrase “evidently, it stinks.” I don’t remember exactly what show it was but it was something the kids watched frequently.
There were only five other people in the store, besides us. Two teenage checkout girls, the fifty something stern-faced manager and two elderly ladies.
My wife, myself and Aly were in the aisle closest to the checkout while Marie was abusing all the bread products, one row over.
The entire store was quiet except for the low hum of the lights and food coolers.
From the next row and for no earthly reason that, to this day, I can explain. At the top of her lungs and with perfect pitch and enunciation, this beautiful,blonde-haired, green-eyed little angel sang: “EVIDENTLY…….MY BUTT STIIIINKS!” Yes,she carried out stinks like she was on stage at the MET.
All of the following happened within three minutes, although it seemed like an hour. My wife and I stood there, frozen in place, looking at each other in horror. I remember hearing the two teens start to giggle and then from further away the manager began to chuckle. I started running for the next aisle, thinking “please, God, let me get to her before she goes to the next verse.”As I rounded the corner by the dairy case, I saw one of the old ladies, eyes wide open and four fingers pressed over her open mouth, staring at Marie, who by this time, was thankfully only humming. I was trying to be stern but even before I got to her, I was starting to laugh. By the time I reached her and about to explain the downside of bathroom humor, my eyes were swimming in tears and I was incapable of human speech. All I could do was pick her up, walk as calmly as I could to the checkout, where my wife and Aly were. My wife was as bad or worse off than I. Being an excellent mother, she was now sure that everyone was questioning our parenting methods, not to mention, oh my God, our hygiene practices. No one made eye contact. Everyone was trying to hold it in and nobody could. The young lady tried to tell us the total of our bill. “It comes to thirteen…sob…ninety…five…snort!” Marie was oblivious to it all and kept looking at everyone as if we’d all lost our minds.
I finally paid, got the change and got the hell out of there.
I remember pulling out of the parking lot and glancing back into the store. One girl was slumped over the counter, shaking, and the other was just smiling as she watched us leave.
We did our late night shopping on the other side of town for a few weeks.
Creative Commons photo courtesy of Mike Schmid. In other words, that’s not me.
This story never gets old, or less amusing for that matter!
Great story, Mr. Farmer.
Wow, and I thought no one could beat “Excuse me, my penis itches.” It does seem funnier coming from a little girl. Thank parents for what they put up with all those years!
I am most impressed by the use of “evidently” to proceed that proclamation. Well done!
What a great Fathers Day gift! Thank you,Tara. I still remember that night like it was yesterday.
You,Jen and Meg are the greatest daughters a guy could have. I am so proud of you all. I love you.
Dad
p.s. Do I get royalties?
Just as funny the second time around. I hope this becomes an annual father’s day event. And Mr Tara’s Dad just in case you have more stories you can’t wait to share New Zealand father’s day is coming up in September.
Oh, my goodness! And that you’d repeat that story – bless your heart…
Reminds me of the time when my youngest brother came to early service to hear the youth choir (and me) sing. Must have been a special date, since the Base Chapel was quite crowded and my family had to sit in the balcony.
During the silent pastoral prayer, the voice of an angel wafted from the high balcony, out over the congregation, singing… “We are the Bombers, We are the Best!” at the top of his lungs! Yes, little 3 year-old Davy was performing our school fight song, just like he always did for my friends. (An Air Force base school, you know).
And you could hear his voice growing fainter and fainter as Mom took him down the stairs and out into the tropical morning…
**Katy M
Recommending YA books beyond the bestsellers at http://BooksYALove.blogspot.com
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I laughed so hard!!
That was so good, funny and all over a love letter to you from your daddy! Great read, It is times like this that I wish my daddy was still alive to give stories like this back to me!
Tara, you know you’ve started a tradition here, right? Don’t worry. I’m sure your dad has plenty of other embarrassing stories to share. Thankfully, my parents don’t really read blogs. Best, Alison
This is one of my all time favorite stories. I’ve heard it so many times. This time I cried and snorted. After becoming a parent I think I appreciate it more. Hugs!
Wow, touching story. Reminded me of my dad. Am referring your post to my younger brother. Thanks for sharing!